Beastly

I never planned to live this long. I never had longterm plans. I've been living my life day to day, mood to mood so long I feel like I'm not even a person. I'm just this thing that keeps existing. Even when I don't want to.

Earlier I was wishing I could fast forward to the better part. The part where I'm okay again. But that's never really existed for me. I've never been okay enough. I've been at the edge of the seat of my life waiting for the moment that I'd have to move or get up. Never truly relaxed.

I miss my ex-husband. I can't tell him that. After how he treated me, how he disrespected me and all my belongings.  It'd be like saying I'm okay with that treatment. I'm okay to be dumped everytime you want something else. And it's not.

Moving on is so hard. It's so hard to really let go. I know I'm still living in this fantasy that everything will work out and I'll be happy and loved and in love again. That if I just keep myself distracted, I'll somehow end up there. I tried seeing someone else, taking care of someone else. Loving someone else. But it wasn't enough. He lingers in my mind still. Like a cryptid, never in full sight. Just lurking at the edges, waiting to catch me unaware.

I feel like crying is now my main hobby. It's what I do most when no one's looking. So I keep in view to keep it in. Make plans so I keep moving and doing. Make it seem like I don't ache.

I've been afraid to write. Afraid to let these feelings be spoken. I don't want them to be real, I don't want them to have such power over me. But they do. Sometimes I wish I'd never fallen in love. It's so hard to stop.

I really hope things change in a positive way for me. I don't know how long I can hold up this facade. Granted I've been holding it, day after day, for so many years. Every day feels like it might be the last. It never is though. Sometimes I feel like just surviving is more a torture than anything else. Never relaxed, always waiting for the next bad thing.

I guess this is common for those with C-PTSD? I wouldn't know. One of the things we keep hidden and not discussed.

I was ghosted by a potential date. I feel like I deserved it for always being depressed and unwell. For who could ever learn to love a beast?

Blanketed Comfort

Hi blog. Been a while. Having insomnia.

I miss my husband. I know that's not a bad thing, but it doesn't always feel like a good thing either. Maybe it just is. I wish I could tell him things, but I know I can't. I know it's too late, I missed our chance. I'm sad but I know things will be okay somehow. I wish I could go back, and just have five more minutes with him. I keep trying to push ahead, but I'm not so sure that's actually getting me anywhere. I feel like a cat stuck under a blanket just fighting to find an edge to escape out. Maybe the point is to learn to accept the blanket, rather than escape it? No idea. My thoughts feel like rambling. 

I finally feel like I'm becoming who I'm supposed to be though. Despite all this pain, hardship, turmoil and feelings. It's hard to find yourself when all you can remember is being told what not to be, what not to do. I feel like I spent my life tiptoeing, trying to prevent any hurt to anyone else that I forgot to be me.

As for the guy I've been dating. I don't know how I really feel. It almost feel like a spell was cast over me, entrancing me. It feels like that spell has broken and I'm struggling to see what I saw before. I think, I think I just needed someone to take care of. Someone to need me. It was easy to slip in. But now that the magic has been lifted I just feel like I cheated or lied or pretended to be someone I'm not. That I'm somehow the one who tricked him into falling.

I don't know where to go from here, what to do. There's no discernable path from here. It's a little scary, but I know I'll be okay. Something deep inside tells me I'll be alright. Just wish I knew how to get to that comfort from here.

Uncertainty

So I guess maybe things can get better. I've been seeing someone recently, and I think he's wonderful. I'm still trying to be cautious though, never know when someone wants to throw you out the window with the trash. No labels on anything, at least yet. Makes me kind of nervous to not know where I stand but at the same time it's freeing to be without expectation. I don't have to be the "little wife" anymore. I don't have the cooking and cleaning expectations on me. But at the same time my world is far from stable. While things feel good with whatever kind of relationship I'm in for the time being, my financial situation and living situation could change at any given moment. That's scary. I don't know how to deal with it. There's literally nothing more I can do about it at my current time but that doesn't stop the lingering worry seeping in from the back of my mind.

But on a positive note, when I'm with the person I've been seeing, I don't seem to worry. It's intoxicating. And like a responsible drug user I'm trying to keep myself grounded but it's so hard to not just give in. To let it all carry me away into some strange mishmash of fantasy and reality. Everything feels uncertain. Uncertain whether my world is going to shift, uncertain whether I'll let the undertow of my new addiction take me, uncertain if I'm going to wake up and find everything has been a dream. At least I'm no longer craving being back in my old life, in my old bed.

It's hard to not worry and go with the flow without getting dragged by the undercurrent. But then again no one said anything about my situation was going to be easy, just that things would get easier.

I've been relying more on my friends since Nick left me. To help me see if I'm doing things right or in a healthy spot or just looking to not be lonely for a bit. It's really nice to have support I can count on. For now, that's all I have to share.

The only thought left lingering in my head, is a song lyric.

"Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great, 'He tastes like you only sweeter'"

Struggle Bus

 I'm riding the struggle bus every day and it hurts so much. I wish he loved me. I wish I was loveable. I wish I could afford to live. Instead I'm in my own personal hell. And I feel helpless. Nothing helps. I've tried talking to people, I've tried buying things, I've tried distraction and nothing helps. I just end up alone crying myself to sleep every night. Having nightmares about him, about losing everything all over again. I don't know how to survive this, how to stop fantasizing about just ending it all. Every day I wake up in more pain than I can handle and I just put on a face for everyone around me but I don't know that I can do this. Because I don't want to do this. There is no better for people like me. It's all a lie people tell you.

 Everything still hurts. I know it's only been a week but I just...don't want to hurt any more. Every day I wake up in a tiny bed alone. It sucks. I wish I could just stop caring.